Confessions of a snot addled mind

I am sick.

Not deathly ill. Not pathetically incapacitated. Not even the kind of sick that will keep me from work (if I had do such things on weekends).

No. Just your basic everyday, no frills head cold.

And I don’t like it.

I feel slow, clogged and kinda dumb. My fingers wont cooperate. My brain is four steps behind.

I want to knit. I want to eat. I want to be buoyant. I want to want to get out of my pajamas. I want to write an interesting post.

Gimme gimme gimme

I want I want I want

I neeed I neeed I neeed

I am going to attempt to knit my sure to be lovely frock. It’s a nice and easy ST ST in the round for the next 4 1/2 inches, which for me at me healthiest is hours and hours. Nothing new, exotic or challenging shall be attempted today. sigh

In my dreams, whether they are of the day or night variety, I can do anything. Write, act, dance, sing, master knit, fly, read minds, charm and sparkle. I have too much envy in my heart of people who excel at things such as these. And too much fear to attempt them myself. I used to think that Gluttony or Sloth were my greatest of the Deadly 7 but in reality I think it truly is envy.

I envy fat girls in cute clothes. I envy ugly girls who flirt and charm (successfully). I envy the fearless. Those who stand up for what is right. Those who challenge themselves. Those who find and follow their dreams, even if they will fail in a flaming ball of fire.

I wont do anything if there is the slightest chance I will fail. That it wont be perfect the vary first time. If I do manage to try something new that I am not certain I will accomplish on the first try, it is only alone with no one watching. That way the only one that knows I suck is me. That way when I do attempt it in front of someone, it will be ok.

I’m tired of that. I would like to not be that anymore.

I just don’t know how.

What if I try and I mess up?

What if I am wrong?

What if I fail?

What if I am not perfect?

Damn double edged sword.

Time for tea and (my own) sympathy.

And a lovely frock. That I am making all by myself.


~ by duncks on February 23, 2008.

One Response to “Confessions of a snot addled mind”

  1. I’m a hypocrite when talking about fear of failure. I have it all the time. In everything I do. The only way I know how to combat it is just try. And make sure you’ve got some place for a soft landing if it doesn’t work.

    And you need to have someone to tell you that you won’t fail. But if you do, at least you tried. And that’s better than not trying at all.

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